The Difference Between Me and Jessica Simpson

Having trouble telling me apart from Jessica Simpson? No worries. Happens all the time. To help you out, here's a handy guide to the subtle ways in which I am different from Jessica Simpson:

1. She is blond. I am not.
2. I have never slept with John Mayer.
3. I can almost always tell the difference between chicken and fish
4. I have never once washed a car while wearing a string bikini
5. No amount of margaritas in the world would induce me to sleep with one of the Jackasses (and if it did, it would certainly be Johnny Knoxville and not Bam Margera. Ew.)
6. She is much, much richer than me and owns much Louis Vuitton. I own no Louis Vuitton.

and finally, and most importantly:

7. watching The Notebook did not inspire me to announce that I am divorcing my husband.

The erstwhile Mrs. Lachey, in a interview with Elle magazine, has revealed that she was inspired to draft a statement on the end of her marriage after watching the weepy romance The Notebook. Now, it just so happens that I watched The Notebook for the first time this weekend. It did not inspire any life-changing decisions. It did however inspire the following things:

• a desire to fast-forward over all the Gena Rowlands-James Garner old-people scenes
• some serious eye-rolling during said old-people scenes
• 10 minutes of trying to remember the name of the actor playing Noah's rival for Allie's affections before recognizing that it was Cyclops - James Marsden. That he had two eyes threw me off
• a whole slew of very dirty and highly inappropriate thoughts about Ryan Gosling

See, how easy is that?